This is my writing style to set the context of the blog in the beginning. And the context of this blog comes from promise that I have made myself to write about the divine love stories on alternate days which inspires me to sail throug this life.
But why make such a promise to self?
The promise is an attempt to channelise the emotional ordeal I am experiencing at the moment. This ordeal essentially stems from the past memories that I lived with him while we were together and lies I was told over the last 14 months on different occasions. Overall it gives me a feeling of rejection, betrayal, and distrust. (More details in a previous blog)
I am writing this blog to change the way I am thinking because it will adversely impact the purpose of my life. Since, I am lucky enough to know that the purpose of my life is to find my soulmate and evolve with him spiritually and experience suprahuman fulfilment, divine union and oneness. Oneness of two souls and then eventually the whole universe. And help humanity as a whole evolve spiritually.
But for last 19 days all I have been witnessing a negative spiral of thoughts and ideas when it comes to love and trust in my head.
I know this thought process is driving me away from my purpose and pushing away the love that may be trying to find its way to me when I need the most. I have been trying various things to achieve some mental stability like:
- Mindless Tarot reading
- Ayurvedic Anxiety supplements
- Talking to my spiritual mentor
- Casual internet browsing
All this is beyond the usual stuff that I do including yoga and my morning and evening spiritual rituals and chantings.
But things do not seem to be improving beyond a point:
- So, I am still crying for 15–20 mins every day. Sometimes it can stretch to hours.
- Almost 8–10 hours of my wake time are spent in an extremely depressed state, 2–4 hours in a mildly depressed state and 2–4 hours in a normal state.
After careful consideration and introspection, I have decided to fight this negativity through love. Yes. I would dig deeper into my subconscious mind to unravel my deepest fears, inspirations and desires and then try to document them. I would also talk about the love that I am trying to manifest in my life.
Because, hey what’s the point of crying, whining and complaining when you know, what you want is out there for you? All you need to do is to attain the ability to attract it. That’s essentially my devotion to my purpose and my commitment to bringing my deepest desires to fruition because that is the only way I can find meaning in my life. That is the only way I can live to the fullest.
Why talk about the promise to self in public?
Because we do make a lot of promises to ourselves. And end up breaking them all the time. If we make a promise to ourselves and shout about it from the rooftop then there are more chances that we live up to it.
Also, I want to rip my thoughts and ideas naked. I want to see them from all sides and share as well. So that I transcend them. There are times, we lie to ourselves or others in the name of privacy. But most often we are simply fearful of our ideas, past, desires and tendencies.
Most often we lie or hide things because we are doing something uncouth. Commiting yourself to truth essentially means sacrificing all those actions and ideas that may seem pleasurable to you in the moment but you know they are ethically wrong and hence you can not talk about them with people.
Committing yourself to truth means committing yourself to a life full of Dharma and righteousness. By making my thought process, my purpose and my pursuits public, I am essentially experimenting with a new method for elevating my self-awareness and dealing with my insecurities.
Now that the context is set. Let’s move to the story. On the occasion of Diwali, I am sharing a few incidents from Valmiki Ramayan from my memory which display the depth of Siyaram’s love and what they meant to each other.
Siyaram: The eternal love
In the beginning of Ayodhya Kand Kaikayee asks for two boons from King Dashrath:
- To abdicate the throne to her son Bharat and
- Send Ram to dwell in forests and live like a monk for 14 years.
When Prabhu Shri Ram comes to know this he keeps cool and politely accepts the command of his father. On his way back he meets his mothers, and his beloved brother Laxman and tells them about his departure from Ayodhya 14 years. He is very calm while talking to everyone.
But when he comes to her beloved Ardhangini Sita, his face suddenly turns pale as he informs her that he has to leave for 14 years. It is to be noted that out of everyone he came across Sita is the only person in front of whom he expressed all his fears. He was heartbroken that they would be separated for 14 years. This is the first time in the epic by Valmiki that I got to know what Sita meant to Ram.
And obviously, Sita being Sita argues with her beloved husband till the point he agrees to take her along. The moment he accepts that she can also come with him she turns all rosy with joy and starts donating everything in her place before the departure.
During the Vanvas Sita and Ram are enjoying their time together in Chitrakoot.
In his heart-to-heart with his beloved wife, he says that he can easily live like this for 14 years. When she is with him, he doesn’t need or miss anyone. He does not even need Ayodhya.
The two are so happy with each other that they just lost a well-deserved kingdom that is not even on the top of their mind. Of course, they talk about it sometimes but they are happy that they are together and enjoying this bliss.
During the Vanvas, one Rakshak captures Sita (Not Ravan). He takes her in his arms and starts to run.
Seeing this Prabhu Ram becomes extremely angry and he says to Laxman that he did not feel this pain when he was asked to leave Ayodhya and the kingdom of Kaushal but he feels insurmountable pain seeing another man touch his wife.
It is not his obsession with Sita. It is the purity of their love. It is his devotion towards her. It is his commitment to protect the purity of Sita and her energy under all circumstances.
He knows that Sita is so devoted to him that to be in the arms of another man is worse than death for her. And he feels guilty when he is not able to protect her. He finally does kill that demon and saves Mata Sita from him. But the incident and the way Shri Ram describes his pain to Laxman really stuck with me.
When Prabhu Ram and Laxman return to their Hermitage after killing Marich, they do not find Sita. Prabhu Ram is so grief-struck without his beloved wife. He is searching for her like a fanatic, losing consciousness, and losing his calm. Everything that he sees around him only reminds him of Sita. He laments, how everything around him has lost its beauty in her absence. Nothing seems to bring him joy.
It is not a form of mortal attachment. It is just void and incompleteness that someone will feel if half of their body is paralysed. If you have found your soulmate and lived with them and separation from them would be unbearable. Because you’re suddenly ripped off the completion that you experienced together. You become one and you do not know how to be without each other.
Prabhu Ram goes through this profound grief without her beloved wife and moves heaven and earth to finally get his wife back after an ordeal of 10 months.
Prabhu Ram is often criticised for not being an ideal husband and sending his pregnant wife away to the forest in the middle of the night without even informing her that she would not see him again.
Well, this doesn’t really show his love. Well, it does.
To set more context, since Mata Sita spent 10 months in Lanka, many people in Ayodhya had doubts about her purity (subject to time and space). And during those times, especially in the lineage of Prabhu Ram it was mandatory that a king and queen be spotless. It did not matter if the spot was a false allegation, but anyone with any spot on their character was not considered worthy of sitting on the throne.
Since Mata Sita and her kidnap by Ravan was the talk of the town. Many people in Ayodhya did not accept her as a queen. Ram did not have the heart to tell this to Sita and hence asked Laxman to take her to the Ashram of Maharshi Valmiki and leave her there.
While destiny forced them to part ways in an unimaginable way, their love persisted. Shri Ram was the king, he could so easily find another queen. But he did not. Mata Sita could go back to her father and live there with comfort but she did not.
Because, even if her husband abandoned her, she did not disobey him. She kept him in her heart always and remained devoted to him forever. Even under a lot of pressure to find a new queen for the kingdom, Shri Ram did not. He did not give anyone the place of Mata Sita. Mata Sita held a sacred place in his life and heart. He did not want to ruin the sanctity of their love and her sacrifices by bringing another woman into his life. Even though he sent her away, he never let another woman take his place.
Inside the walls of his palace, he slept on the floor because his wife was also sleeping on the floor in an ashram. After he sent her for vanvas, he lived like a celibate all his life.
Lessons for contemporary times
In today’s time, love has become a matter of convenience. People do not hesitate to change their partners just like they change clothes. In such dismal times also the love of Sita and Ram still inspires some seekers of true love like me.
Sita and Ram, their love, and their devotion to each other are divine and it would keep guiding seekers of love till the end of time.
I am trying to manifest the love that I am seeking. And starting with self awareness and self-love. Please guide me on my quest. Also Happy Diwali