Reaping the fruits of my six years of Sadhna and seeing the difference
When I look at my life and all the actions that I do, I see a pattern.
A deep quest for love drives all the activities in my life. A love so transcendental, permanent, and fulfilling in nature that it knows no bounds.
A love that combines two pieces of a single soul who have been separated so that they can eventually unite and experience the bliss of that divine union. A union which is above and beyond any physical intimacy. A love where two people feel so fulfilled in each other's presence that all other worldly, physical, and emotional pleasures from all walks of life seem small and insignificant. A love that is seen in Shiva and Parvati and Sita and Ram.
I have always been chasing this love, this connection relentlessly. I have been so relentless in my pursuit of finding my other piece of soul/ my true love/ my alter ego/ my soulmate probably because I always had a very strong intuition that this is my path to the ultimate spiritual upliftment.
I have never been very ambitious about my professional life goals, or my materialistic possessions and do not feel the urge to be famous and successful. I operate as a professional because it is instrumental for me to operate in this world so I can feed myself and my family.
But my true pursuit is finding that divine connection in this crowd ( in any form be it romantic or platonic ) while doing the activities necessary to operate in this world like eating, sleeping, studying, making money, etc etc.
And obviously, been disappointed and hurt many times during my search. But the two times that nearly broke my bones were:
- Six years ago
- Almost 10 days ago
The reason I am writing this blog is to share how my spiritual sadhana has transformed me as a person and changed the way I deal with personal loss/grief.
Six years ago when I experienced my first true heartbreak ( Totally one-sided shit ), it made me suicidal and I resorted to drinking, smoking and completely cutting off myself from all the social circles I knew.
I became increasingly depressed with each passing day. Slowly my jovial, bubbly personality, transformed into someone who is deeply sad with no energy. My way of dealing with this made things worse for me because I caught on acute gastric issues due to stress and lifestyle which extended for a couple of years.
And the poster girl for the ideal daughter in our family was completely ruined.
It took me almost a year but I regained myself. I fixed my lifestyle, started sleeping, and waking up on time. I started working out for 2–3 hours a day. And devoted me to my startup Alive Home. I have shared my journey from being depressed to being a fitness freak in this blog, you can read it if you want to know the details.
But eventually, five years ago from now, I did seem to find the fire, the connection that I was looking for in someone, I had already known for years. And since, there was already a lot of respect, and care for each other, it did not take us a lot of time for us to fall madly in love with each other ( Now, I feel it was just me who was madly in love )
I was on cloud nine because I really did feel that this is a divine connection and that there is no way I am going to find this with anyone on this planet again. So this is it. I have found my home. I have found the person with whom I can spend the rest of my life and experience the spiritual fulfilment that I had been craving all my life. The spiritual fulfilment was there and that’s why it felt like this was it.
No matter what issues I faced in life, I was extremely satisfied and happy. We did fight a lot due to both our personalities being extremely dominant but the love outshined it all. I never bothered about anything in life because I knew my spiritual journey was going well.
Fast forward three years we were having conflicts about getting married. But I was so hell-bent on making it work because I felt it was the best thing that could happen to both of us. I did all that I could possibly do while being in a job to align the universe so that we end up being together. I am a strong believer in spirituality and hence for this also, I resorted to divinity.
I sought inspiration from Mata Parvati and promised myself that I would do saadhna to uplift my spiritual state so much that it becomes impossible for the universe to not grant my request. I would lift myself so much that even the other person sees the value in spending their life with me. So I did everything I could find in spiritual texts:
- I did all major fasts like Mahashivratri, Mondays, Janmashtmi, Vat Savitri, Somvati Amavasya, Nine Navratri two times a year, and Fridays as well.
- I started going to the temple every day.
- I started taking baths twice a day and did elaborate Puja, chanting and Sadhna in the morning and evening as well.
- I would wake up at 4 am every day, even if I was sick, did not get enough sleep, or was out of energy, I would still wake up at 4 am. Because I have known if we pray for something during that time of the day, then the universe grants our wish.
- For a year I chanted 108 Hanuman Chalisa daily.
- I was doing 1188 times, Om Namah Shivay for a few months.
- I was going to Radha Krishna temple every Friday for 1.5 years.
- I also did a Vipassana camp in Jan 2022 to aid my spiritual growth.
And many other things that I do not even remember now. So, the agenda was to attain as much spiritual energy as possible through Jap, Tap, Puja and Vrat.
Sometimes, it became really difficult because I was doing everything with single-minded devotion but it was not yielding anything. The distance seemed to be only increasing and I could not understand why.
Although, now that I look back, the probably universe did grant me what I was asking for. Because I rarely prayed for our marriage directly. I would always pray for these things in this order:
- Universal well-being ( May all beings be happy, healthy and at peace )
- He finds the guidance to reach his spiritual fulfilment, remains, healthy, and happy and full of peace
- Wellness of family and other people close to me
- For me, I always asked for the courage to do the right thing even in the most adverse circumstances. I pray to the universe to protect my value system, my character, my discipline, my Bhakti and my thirst for spiritual fulfilment even in the most difficult times
Because I was kind of sure, praying for these things would lead me to my most desired wish as well. But Guess, the universe knows better.
The End of the Story
Fast forward to 5 Oct 2022, I got to know something that just took away my breath for a few moments and destroyed my faith in love and divinity both. Not divulging the details but it really did affect me so much that I ended up in the hospital due to stress-induced dehydration, insomnia and gastric issues.
It broke the highest level of trust that I ever placed in any person. I felt betrayed by the universe and the person on many levels. I felt as if I was robbed of the beautiful moments that I cherished the most. The moments that helped me keep going through a living hell of 1.5 years suddenly felt corrupt and tainted.
The feelings which helped me do intense spiritual saadhna for 1.5 years while being jobless a couple of times, doing job hunting, and taking online courses, felt fake and inexistant.
Everything suddenly came to a standstill. My dream castle was broken. And it is not just any other breakup or heartbreak. Mind you, it is much more than that. My belief system was that I have found the lost piece of my soul which when stitched together with mine will make the half, a whole. And this broke my belief that I had been nurturing for five years. For me, it was as if I was being teased by the universe with its teeth wide open.
It’s not just about a person disappointing you. In fact, it is not even about the person per se. It is finally realising that you dialled the wrong number. It is realising that no this person, this connection is not what you’re looking for. If it was then it would be reciprocated. If someone is my other half then I am their other half too. So, if I want them desperately, they would want me to. And since, it is not happening here, it is clear that it is indeed a wrong number. Accepting this and realising that this stride has finally come to end has been the most painful part of this whole process.
It is not any other loss. It is like losing the purpose of life. I kept on thinking that people divorce all the time, and people die all the time. But it did not subside what I was going through. I was confused. Did the universe punish me for my faith? Or did my faith become overconfident? Why did I fall on my face like this? How could intuitions that were felt so strongly for so long could be so wrong?
The fruits of Six years of Sadhna showing results now
Had it been my 23-year-old self, I would have ruined my life further. But thanks to the universe and the divinity that had put me on a spiritual path a few years ago, I was surprised to see the strength and character that the divinity has bestowed on me over the years.
- The biggest change that I can see now, is that even though this loss is much bigger than whatever I have experienced till now (Because it killed my beliefs ) I have not resorted to any sort of intoxicants to deal with this loss. No drinking, no smoking, no watching toxic content and listening to sad music to relieve the pain and crying in loneliness.
- Earlier in my life when I felt dejected and said simply cut off myself from people and did not speak at all. This time, I told everyone everything. Whoever saw me crying and asked what happened I told. I told them because the more I spoke the lesser impact it had on me.
- I told my story to team members I met a few months ago, a total stranger in the metro, my sister, my friends, and my spiritual mentor as well. My sister told my mom, she told my father and eventually, there was an extremely supportive atmosphere in the home. They all became increasingly supportive and caring and helped me get through this without saying a word or asking me any uncomfortable questions. What an amazing, family, I swear!!
- I still wake up at 4 am. I still do the Puja, I still go to the temple, and I still do my chanting, even though, I was extremely angry with the universe. I still take bath twice a day with cold water. I still do yoga ( started today after nine days )
- I was not really able to focus on my work but I was able to do something with 20–30% efficiency but much better than my 23-year-old self. Thankfully, I work at a company which is extremely supportive of its employees when it comes to mental health. I was supported by my team, and by my reporting manager in every way so that I do not feel any sort of pressure from the professional front. And it did help me a lot while dealing with this.
- The first time it took me a year to come out of the darkness, even though it was not even a relationship. But this time even though we spent every weekend together for three years and so many trips it took me eight days to come out of the dark zone and see the light.
- For the first few days, I was fault-finding within myself. I was over-possessive, I was dominating, and maybe I was controlling in nature. I was thinking I should change myself and then try to get back to the person again. But within a few days, wisdom dawned upon me.
- I realised that while I have my fair share of imperfections just like any other person but that is not why it could not work out. It is simply not meant to be. My intuition about finding my soulmate was wrong. If two people are meant for each other, if they really wanna be with each other, then they both move heaven and earth to make that happen. And I realised in our case, it was only me doing all the austerities, and efforts alone. The other person was simply immune to all my efforts.
- I still feel the pain and betrayal in moments but I have moved to a place where I have accepted this fate and not chasing my wishes anymore. I am also excited for the future because I know, the worst is over. And things can only go up from here. I have moved to a place where I know, my wish has been denied for good.
- I also experienced overwhelming care from a friend that lives close to my home and my spiritual mentor. Both of them are amazing ladies whose hearts are filled with immense kindness. When I was admitted to the hospital my friend stayed with me and my sister. I was feeling extremely restless, not able to sleep, eat or sit at ease. She comforted me as much as she could and it really helped me go through the turmoil.
- My spiritual mentor told me to call her every day for a week or until I felt some emotional stability. Her spiritual depth, her deep conversations, her poise in adverse situations, her faith in divinity and her courage to deal with everything without getting unsettled inspired me a lot. She would tell me stories from Itihas, Purana, her own life, and our own daily lives to give me perspective. It was not really what she said but how she said it. Her spiritual depth flowed through the conversations and stabilised my chaotic emotional states.
- I did a lot of self-talk as well and finally arrived at the conclusion, not to chase anything that is not meant for you. I should focus on my sadhana and increase my spiritual depth. What belongs to me would get attracted to me through my sheer spiritual pull without me having to make conscious efforts for it.
- The one-way communication with the divine mother has been the most rewarding. She has been constantly supplying me with more and more strength and energy. I have been experiencing the grace of my divine mother ever since I started Shakti Sadhna from Chaitra Navratri, in 2021 and it has only been increasing ever since.
I can see a lot of positive outcomes coming into my life because I have accepted what life has thrown at me with grace. I know divinity will reward with me something else very soon. It could be new found purpose, some venture, some project, some vision, some mission, some person, anything. But I know for sure that universe is going to give me pleasent surprises soon. But the best part is that I am not even waiting for that.
I am just comfortable in this moment that I am not crying in loneliness, I am becoming healthier and I am able to focus better on my work within 10 days of the most painful experience of my life.
Why did I write all this?
- To live the past six years in my head as clearly as possible
- To evaluate my growth and see if spiritual practices amount to anything or not
- To reaffirm myself, it is all for the best and some things are simply not meant to be
- Accept my biggest fear everywhere in all forms so that it does not scare me. Instead, I look those fears in the eyes and have the last laugh.
- I have essentially written this for myself to boost my confidence but if anyone who is dealing with a personal loss is reading it, I want to share it with them, no matter how difficult it seems, it will be alright, eventually. Don’t be scared of being judged, share as much as possible. Seek help, have faith, and cry in the bathroom, but face your emotions because there is no shortcut to ending the pain. We have to live it. Also, don’t shy away from pain. Pain is the spiritual cleanser. It’s the divine way of cleaning our conscience. Hence, embrace the pain. It will make you more beautiful and pure.